he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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