i think my mom watched the whole time
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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