I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
