Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
