im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
