I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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