I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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