Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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