Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I need to calm my uterus...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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