I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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