Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Can Purell be used as lube?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
