If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
