I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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