i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
it was like eating out sand paper
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
