I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
