i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
