i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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