Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
