Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just took my morning after pill in the library
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
