The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
