I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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