Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
