So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
