I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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