he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
