His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
