then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
