she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i drank out of a bidet.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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