Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
