My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
