Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
