My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
