Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
