That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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