we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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