i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
