I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
