the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He shit in the fireplace
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
