Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
