Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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