I cannot find my penis.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
