You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
