I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
