He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
