Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
