The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
