The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
