How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
