Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
