i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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