I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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